I Do...Not.

I'm pretty sure I was as shocked as everyone else was when my boyfriend asked me to marry him over the Christmas break this past December...

Our entire relationship has been this crazy whirlwind of circumstance.
We met, and fell in love, and it really isn't as complicated as people think it all is.

I mean, he's from England and all, and he's living there at the moment...but, still, in the grand scheme of things, it isn't entirely complicated.

Loving him has never been difficult. We don't live our lives asking questions. We just know we're in love and want to be together.

Well, promptly after he proposed, and we were driving back to my home town to break the news to everyone else...I was a little skiddish...

The last thing I wanted to do was tell everyone. I'm not the kind of person who likes to be thrown into the limelight. I don't like being the center of attention for the wrong reasons. I've always felt as if marriage is the sort of thing people should share between each other, and not with the entire world.

It just all ends badly if everyone knows the details--check it, Kim Kardashian.

So, when Richard finally convinced me to wear the ring home...I knew what was going to come.

Sure enough, everyone was up in my grill about it, particularly my mother.

I mean, I was flattered that everyone wanted to talk to me and such...but I was suddenly bombarded with attention from people who on the regular never gave a shit about anything else I had managed to accomplish--suddenly, I was thrust into the spotlight because of something that just happened to me, not something I earned.

Of course I understand that the epitome of most women's' existences in my hometown is to be married and have kids--but that's never the first thing I've wanted for myself.
In fact, it wasn't even on the list.
In fact, I couldn't have been more freakin thrown off about it.

And now that it's come down to the point of seriously planning the wedding, I've never felt more out of control.
I guess it was initially because I hadn't an idea about where to start, but then it became all about the show and not about the actual event.

I know my mother means well (somewhere, and somehow), but she took it upon herself to speak for me in every instance she could, and open her mouth about it to anyone and everyone she encountered.
Mind you, nothing I have ever done in my entire life has reached the accomplishment of finding my future husband.
Of course I find it all ridiculous.

What had started as my idea of an intimate ceremony with, perhaps, 50 or 60 people has turned into an event with 93 people...simply because of such a thing as protocol...something I don't really believe in.

Lots of girls say they can't wait to plan their weddings. If you're anything like me, of course you can.
If you're anything like me, elopement in the Florida Keys sounds like heaven on earth.

My initial idea, of course, was to elope.
But then, I got a visual of the disappointment it would bring to everyone in my family and his who wouldn't be able to see us get married before their very eyes. I think this is the first time I've sacrificed myself in a platter...

It's been really, really painful.
And frankly, it's hard to hold my tongue about it all.

It's hard to feel as if you have control when you simply don't.

But, this is the way I see it...

Everyone has their last chance to say goodbye to single Ashlee and Richard, and to be able to see us say our vows--

And afterward, they can leave us the fuck alone. (: