Dear Ex-Girlfriend of Mine,
You were the still center of the spinning world.
I was eighteen, and confused. This was the first time I was acting on feelings that I had always had since before I even understood what they meant. This was something that at one time I had considered morally impossible.
I loved you, completely, and felt compelled to hide it from every person I knew.
I was scared, and ashamed for feeling like I was perhaps even a little gay.
I liked boys, but girls were pretty, that person who looked like a girl was pretty, and that girl with the short hair who dressed like a boy had something pretty foxy going on--I was so scared of everything.
It would take me years, long after you left, for me to realize that my sexual identity is fluid, and importantly--that it's okay.
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
Just keep repeating that, Ashlee.
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
I've apologized to you in my head and in my heart for years and years.
Sometimes I look you up, and i see that we both have partners, and we're both happy. Your happiness makes my spirit fly. You deserve every happiness, and on this special day, I've finally found the nerve to put into words everything I've been feeling these long years.
I am sorry that when you asked me why I would never introduce you as my girlfriend to my family and friends that I was a coward, and told you they would never accept us.
It was 2008. I was living at home, surrounded by everything and everyone against the idea of us, and I hadn't learned yet to be brave, to be me.
When you ended it, I respected you.
I respected that you knew you were worth more than what I could offer you at the time.
In the years we haven't spoken, my family became more tolerant, my circle of friends changed, and now I couldn't imagine life without the beautiful, accepting people I have in it.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough then to create a world for us where we could be safe. I didn't want to be rejected. I was so angry, and tired, and disoriented. Things turned out wonderfully for us both, but I am still so very, very sorry that I hurt you so badly.
This is your day, this is our day.
Today we see the image of what we could have been reflected in the smiles of thousands and thousands of people lining up for marriage licenses as I write this right now. I am so happy my heart could burst.
I still love you, dear friend, dear girl, wonderful girl.
Congratulations, to our wonderful, wonderful memories, and their validity.
Ash
