Dear Taylor Swift

Dear Taylor Swift,


Salutations! I have not have the good fortune of listening to your latest CD--but apparently I'm hearing good things. Congrats on it, and all.
Though I'm not particularly a fan of your work, I felt that I should reach out to you as a relatively concerned personage of goodwill.
I couldn't help but notice that all of your songs happen to be about small towns, fairy tales, and boys that don't like you. I can't help but wonder if you were that token annoying chick in high school that would sit with a group of fellow shallow, contemptuous women and sigh aloud
"SIGH...i'm so FAT and UGLY..."
Whilst I'd love to agree that you are--indeed--fat and ugly, I'm not the sort of female to lie in order to reserve my pride.
Miss Swift, perhaps as you pen these charming little mementos to your army of idealism-swept prepubescent girls, you're not thinking of all the money you're making weaving these awe-inspiring reveries...
The truth is evident, and perhaps you need to hear it in terms you may understand:
1.) You're fucking gorgeous, and appropriately insecure.
Only an incredibly insecure woman would sing about how many guys have dumped her, without appropriate satire, and adding numerous clauses about how much of a loser you are for being inadequate for his attentions. You just belt it out about your man leaving you for another woman--how awesome does that make you look? Are you getting my sympathy vote? Nay!
I am no victim, Miss Swift!
2.) You're a bit public about the private life, eh?
Who cares if Joe Jonas dumped you over a who-the-fuck-cares minute phone call? McDouche is a flamer anyway, who the hell gives a shit? Does the rest of the world really sympathize with a woman who is going to welcome the general public into her messy relationship drama--
HELLO MONICA LEWINSKY.
3.) Maybe you should take voice lessons?...Just sayin?...
I'm certainly not one to claim that my singular talents rise above anyone else's; but we're not talking about me, are we? Nah. We're talking about you, Miss Swift. While I applaud your relative lack of stage fright, your cute outfits, and bedazzled guitar--what does that bring to the one thing that I'm looking for the most?
Dare I say, actual talent?
Listening to your CD, I'm humming along, I find your countrypop twang catchy and endearing! When I turn up a live video via Youtube--WHAT IS THIS?!
...Where oh where hast thou vocal talents gone?...
Locked up in the studio, perchance?

I could go on and on, but clearly you understand me by now.
I would write another page and a half, but I don't wish to give you any more inspiration for your next song. I just know it's going to be about some mean girl from Louisiana that picks on you because you have a vagina and are therefore feeble at heart.

Humming Along to the Digitally Remastered Sound of Your Voice,

Lady Cracker