Lady Cracker's Guide to Man-Handling.

Apparently, I have this sixth sense that enables me to smell a Mega-Douche from a mile off...
Or an Ex-Factor lingering somewhere in his own pathetic reveries...with the scent of lavender and Cosmopolitan cut-outs strewn upon the floor of his mind...
I've always had the uncanny ability to separate the lambs from the goats in terms of the more primitive sex...or well, the goats from the goats. Though equally pathetic, each man is different in his own sphere.

I've narrowed my field of this particular study into ten core groups:


1.) The (Really) Hopeless Romantic
2.) The Metrosexual
3.) The Mega-Douche
4.) The Emotionally Scarred Attention Whore
5.) The Ex-Factor
6.) The Over-egoed Hottie
7.) The Self-Righteous Political Guru
8.) The Lethargic Hippie/Musician
9.) The Illusive Player
10.) The Wannabe


You all know them, ladies.
So let's get the break-down.



1.) The (Really) Hopeless Romantic

He's a charmer.
He quotes Rhett Butler.
Forget an anniversary? Never!
Husband material? Right on.
He's lovable, he's eloquent, and he's proven to you that "all the rest" were simply little boys shielding you from the true limelight you belong in. He lifts you up, he supports your ambitions; hell, he pays for every meal!
He's Mr. McDreamy in the flesh.
Yet...
Doesn't he tend to rub you the wrong way sometimes?
I mean, don't get me wrong- he appears perfect on the exterior but...
Isn't he a little OCD about some shit? Isn't his "knight in shining armor-dom" a little anti-feminist?
When he meticulously arranges the wine glasses so that they're perfectly a-symmetrical with the plate and utensils, doesn't it seem a bit obtrusive?
And how about that time when he bought you to Build-A-Bear when he knows you're afraid of stuffed animals...I mean... sure, it was a cute idea and he was going out of his way but is he spending so much time thinking of new ways to impress you that he forgot your general likes and dislikes?

Pros:
- Outrageously sweet
- Thoughtful
- Attentive

Cons:
- OCD out the ass
- Perfectionist
- Liable to make you question your own self-worth



2.) The Metrosexual

He's adorably oblivious to masculine norms.
He likes his oatmeal scrub- with the jasmine compound for moisturizing.
He's particular about mixing his seasons.
He likes to pick out your outfit for that really important banquet when you're running late.
He can distinguish Armani from Gucci from Chanel.
Wait...
Is he still straight?!
Yes, ladies. Oh yes.
Still very much attracted to the fairer sex, our man is an aficionado on fine culture, and the art of being indulged.
He loves to spoil himself with trips to the spa, and regularly checks out of a lunch meeting to go to the bathroom and make sure his body spray is still potent.
In his youth, he was often tortured with such slandering nicknames as "Fag" and "Limp Wrist". Becoming bffs with his Mommy taught him a thing or two about treating a woman- in addition to treating himself.
He's the King, gold-cuffed boots and all, and you are his Queen.
His perks may be well and good, and perhaps you even admire the fact that his sense of fashion is more confident than yours, but let's face it... He does think his shit don't stink from time to time.
All that childhood torment has appeared to make his freshly moisturized exterior tough as nails.
He may need to tone down on the toner before he ends up looking more fake than baked.

Pros:
- Best Dressed Man Alive
- appreciates detail
- effortlessly juggles vintages and fine wines

Cons:
- a bit self-employed
- manliner?
- he paid more for his suit than he did for his life insurance...




3.) The Mega-Douche
Oh, the Mega-Douche.
Really, what isn't there to say about this fine piece of work?
Devoid of any remote intelligence what so ever, he aimlessly removes his shirt, grabs his club and bottle of jack, and journeys forth into the mushroom cloud of bong smoke.
When out on the town, you may spot him surrounded by his hoard of personal supporters, or what I like to appropriately term as "the chodes and the hoes".
He's quite noticeable.
The sideways cap, the tribal tattoos... the conspicuously placed blow-up doll, complete with Vaseline...
*Forehead slap*
It's safe to say that at least 2/3rds of the general female population have dated at least ONE Mega-Douche in the entirety of their relationship career.
Though not completely advised, it is somewhat necessary to date one of these assholes in order to appreciate our other contenders- who often appear to be a grade above him in terms of general species.
If one is not clear as to the level of douche-baggery our chode may be reaching, one should look for the following conspicuous signs of the "Mega-Douche":
- lack of shirt
- weird piercings
- the "duck butt" hair spike
- constant usage of the term "bro"
- loud, obnoxious vehicle


Pros:
- when you find one...let me know.

Cons:
- lol.




4.) The Emotionally Scarred Attention Whore

Dear Diary,
Mood: I Feel Like Cutting.

Beware of the two-toned hair.
The token myspace pictures, shielding his face.
The odd piercings.
His ostentatious bi-curious behavior.
His philosophical outlook on religion, life, shit...
Why is he doing this?
Why is he saying all this crap?
Why does he constantly ask you if he looks okay, if what he believes is okay, if he's okay?
YOU DON'T KNOW.
And frankly, you're too worried about your own life to make his over.
Yet, you feel quite sorry for him.
He's been through the not-so-rare, yet traumatic experience of having the meanest girlfriend alive.
He's been bullied by God and man alike for his sense of "non-conformity".
He'll use his misfortunes as a crutch to gain your trusts.
And, he'll take your number, or your pity sex, whenever he can.
He's pathetic, and the various females of his acquaintance know this, but he's so pitiful it's hard to resist his puppy-dog pout, or his suicidal poetry that he sends you via-text about his failed romance and how undeserving he is of love.

Pros:
- hollar-back boy
- dedication sonnets
- stunts in the name of romance

Cons:
- obsessive
- constantly seeking your regard
- won't. go. away.




5.) The Ex-Factor

To Be or Not To Be?
That is... To Be or Not To Be the psychotic ex boyfriend who calls and texts every waking minute, still pining for your everlasting love.
It's been two years, and several boyfriends later, and you think that by now he'd get the idea. I mean, you still care, sure, but this is just ridiculous. What's with the jealousy? The pout? The fact that he thinks he has a right to know what you're doing and who you're with?
Come on, asshole.
Alas...
He's still hung up on you, and you know it.
He texts you every chance he gets a free moment:
How was your test?
How was your lunch?
How was your day?
How was your breathing?
Creeper...
Your relationship was great; it lasted through many hardships and really went to a whole new level in your opinion. But, you know, school got in the way, and lots of personal tragedies happened, and let's just face it: He got boring.
So, I mean, what else was there to do?
You broke up with him proper-like, and gave him the 411 on "Friendship".
Yes, you can still call me on holidays.
No, we can't snuggle anymore.

Pros:
- Devoted
- Generally caring
- Cute..in a melancholy way

Cons:
- Really? Do we need to go here?




6.) The Over-egoed Hottie


He probably spends more time on his body than he has on anything else in his entire life.
He glances at himself in any available reflective surface.
He's hot. He knows it. And he expects you to know it, too.
So what if he says he loves you despite the three pounds you gained from that run-away cheesecake?
He's totally lying.
You can see him out of the corner of your eye flexing his muscle's in the glass door.
You want to say something, you want to be blunt and sarcastic, but you know what? He's just too hot to hear you. So why bother?
Closely related to our "Mega-Douche", the "Over-Egoed Hottie" is the lesser-devolved medium between the "Mega-Douche" and "The Metrosexual".
He is an asshole.
Perhaps he's cheated on you.
Perhaps he's fooled around.
But, he does work out obsessively, and he does like to dress to impress.
He may get his ego fluffed on a daily basis, but it is up to YOU, women of the world... it is up to YOU to forsake this perfectly toned pecks and his well-manicured backyard... You must abandon his-... Oh, fuck it.

Pros:
- So hot...
- So, so very hot...
- Yeah, you get the picture.

Cons:
- Asshole-esq tendencies
- Really? You're not gonna eat that?
- Ego. Ego. Ego.




7.) The Self-Righteous Political Guru


I quoth:
"Damn Liberals."
"The Hollywood Left is going to be the death of us."
"We're all Socialists, Socialists I tell yah!"
"That Healthcare Bill- my ass."
Of course he's a Republican, would a male Democrat actually go through the trouble of un-promoting peace and love?
But he's really...really Republican.
We're talking...you buy a vegetarian pizza and he suddenly starts calling you a "damn hippie" and he insists you stop taking yoga because it's somehow "unconstitutional".
You don't agree with him, at all, but when you try to defend yourself he's suddenly so completely offended that you dare to question his stance, that he forgets this is a relationship and not a debate.
Sure, the arguments are sometimes a little spicy when it comes to bedroom banter, but how long is this going to last?
How long can one tolerate a man who uses the sudden two dollar increase of your fancy dinner tab to talk about how the economy's shot to shit?

Pros:
- sturdy
- politically correct (or so he thinks)
- good for PR

Cons:
- constantly offended
- pig headed
- you are not, and never will be, Sarah Palin




8.) The Lethargic Hippie/Musician


He can play a mean guitar.
He serenades, too.
And, he looks like he hasn't bathed in months...
We'll call him the "Ani-Self-Righteous Political Guru"
There's something very attractive about a man who can play guitar, wear some dingy creepy-uncle button down and a fedora- and still manage to belt out a thing or two that sounds slurry but cohesive.
Sure, he's drunk all the time, a little high, a little dirty...
But he's cute all the same, correct?
He's an "artist", and he's constantly needed to improve his "art".
Yeah yeah, you get it.
He doesn't give a shit about politics... he doesn't give a shit about anything really.
He'll nurture his dreams of being big, while he spends his last two dollars on some weed and beer, and then ends the night with scribbling dreamy lyrics on an old pizza box with a Sharpie.
But um... so you missed the part where he has a real job...
What about real goals?
What about a care for anything at all besides "Lucy", his vintage Gibson?

Pros:
- music man
- mysterious
- carefree

Cons:
- seriously...shut up already
- not all dreams come true for the lazy of heart
- bathe, now. kthanks.




9.) The Illusive Player

So of course we all know this one...
He walks into the club/bar/place of any sort of social interaction...and women flock to him as if he smells of pure Swiss Chocolate and looks like George Clooney's very dashing younger brother.
You're drawn to him, you can't help that.
Any woman in her right mind is drawn to something so, so shiny!
He's very mysterious, and very charismatic. He dresses appropriately at all times, but still has this laid back sense of self that doesn't make him seem overbearing in any way.
On the exterior, he's got it all going on... He's got the personality, and a supreme amount of good-looking. He's balanced in all mannerisms, he knows how to make you smile, how to make you laugh, how to make you swoon.
But oh, he's too good to be true.
All those years of never being turned down, not once, has fluffed his ego so much that, despite how well he may treat you, there's always going to be present the fear that you are yet another addition in his notorious "Little Black Book".
There's an issue ladies, you just have to figure it all out:
The only real problem is, when he's texting and calling diligently, keep in mind...
He's also calling Samantha, Lorie, Jessica, Brittney, Viola, Esperanza, and that chick that works at Walmart in the food center.

Pros:
- sweet-talking
- charismatic
- always up for a good time

Cons:
- man whore
- tragically unable to commit
- STD much?




10.) The Wannabe

He wants to be married in Guam.
He wants to be a golf champion.
He wants to try equestrianism.
He wants to be grade A at chess.
He wants to catch that fish.
He wants to join a yoga class.
He wants to fucking try too hard...
Don't you ever get tired of seeing him looking wide-eyed at the television screen and you just KNOW it's suddenly popped into his mind that he wants to be the next Michael Phelps?
As if the crumbling bricks from the half-build outdoor fire place aren't enough to frustrate you, you already know that he's going to go out and buy a whole knew workout machine, only to use it to hang his clothes on after a vigorous two weeks of trying to beat out fish-boy.
You think you've had enough when:
Lo and behold, he convinces you he really wants to go to Italy for a pleasant vacation come next year!
You're totally stoked.
That is, totally stoked until next year rolls around...and he has yet to save a penny... and his last dollar was spent on the Dollar Menu.
He's neurotic.
He can't apply himself.
He's adorably oblivious, which makes you like him that much more, but his sense of priority is way out of sync with the rest of the universe.

Pros:
- spunky
- willing to try new things
- eclectic

Cons:
- can't settle
- can't stay focused
- can't be normal