The past, the present, The Future.

I've come to realize how far down this road I've been traveling, and how things are suddenly branching out and creating new paths and new opportunities. It's really exciting for someone like me to realize that life is getting to the point of adventure, thrill, and intrigue.

I'm going to be twenty years old.

I remember when I was twelve and I looked at a twenty year old with complete and utter wonderment. I thought that that person had all of the answers. They lived on their own in some swanky uptown apartment, and did cool shit... like road some bike with a basket around, splatter painted the walls of their bedrooms, and took black-and-white pictures of old people holding hands in the park.

Now, I'm on the brink of being twenty... and I realize that I'm sort of living the way I envisioned a twenty-year-old to live. (At least, within my means.) I don't have all the answers, and I never will, but somehow I think I'm going to be okay without knowing everything. The path is shaded, but it's there.

It's funny how the worst thing that could have possibly ever happened only catapulted into growing up... it was a reality check I needed.

That 'worst thing' was the death of my grandmother last year, on November 10th.
For all intensive purposes, she was my mother.
While I've always somewhat had a strained relationship with my biological mother (her eldest daughter), she encouraged me to try to understand her, and in the same instanced shaped me into the woman I am today.
I admired her so much for her strength and for her quiet mind.

It's going to be a year since she died, and I'm still trying to collect myself.
I thought I couldn't go on without her, but her death intensified my desire to want to do something extraordinary with this existence- the only one I've got.

I've been toying with the idea of not finishing school... right now, however, I'm thinking I will. I've come this far, I want that degree in my hand. But the credentials of it are really sort of ridiculous. I don't learn sitting in a classroom, I need to be out in the world and experiencing. I feel like that's my calling.

Sometimes I feel like I don't need a degree to dictate that I have intelligence, or to say I'm certified to help this person or that person.

In fact, I don't believe in it at all.

I feel as if most people say they're in school, or going through it, just to prove to the people around them that they can make something of themselves when really... really, making something of yourself should be about the people you touch, and the works you do, and the stories you have to tell afterward.

The longer I'm in college the more I realize it's a debauched myriad lie of higher learning... where "Beer Pong" is the national sport, and "How Many Lays" the slogan.

I don't want that, and never have.

However, some good things have come out of this whole new world...

I've moved out, and learned to live under a roof with completely different personalities than what I was accustomed.

I have a job where I make enough money to support myself.

Still in school (whether I like it or not), and toiling.

And... and my direction is becoming clearer and clearer.

See, in the beginning I thought I wanted to perhaps be a linguist. I love studying languages, and going overseas sort of sealed my love of foreign places. But then I realized if I wanted to actually make a living, I'd have to have at least five languages under my belt. A whole lot of classes, and a whole lot of brainpower that I wasn't willing to commit to. (Trust me, if i don't want to learn something... I'm not going to learn it.)

But I love to write, so I sort of decided Journalism would be my target.

I didn't like the idea of following other people around and badgering them about their personal lives, so I did a little research... and that's when I discovered what I want to do.

I want to write for a humanitarian journal.
And for those of you who don't quite know what that is... think along the lines of National Geographic... but focusing on the people of third-world countries and their cultures.

It's not set in stone, nothing ever is.

But I know that I want to help people.
I feel my best when I'm out in the world, getting my hands dirty, and exploring the meaning of life.

I want to try other things as well...

photojournalism
fashion photography
painting
novel and poetry composition
entrepreneurship


But whatever I do end up doing in the end, I'll do it well.

I want to be known by those who loved me as someone who went out there and did what she had to do, followed her beliefs, and lived fully and openly.
That's all.
Nothing more or less.