Friday, April 24, 2009

Dear Miss California,


I regret that you are now detested by the homosexual majority in your home state.

It must have come as a blow to be booed by people as you stood up on stage and all that, I think i'd have freaked out a bit.

Though I applaud you for voicing your true opinion, I believe you could have stated your point more elegantly.

When asked the question you said "In my country, and in my family we believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman." And you went on to apologize for offending anyone.

1.) You shouldn't have said "in my country". That's clearly a sign that you don't pay attention to detail. The country is peppered with conservatives and liberals alike. If it's your opinion, keep it yours. Don't throw in the rest of the country in there, it makes you look like a biggot.

2.) Apologizing for "offending anyone" makes you look like you don't truly support your own thoughts and actions. If it is your opinion, it's not nessessary to apologize for it. You're an American, and it's your right.


Regardless, you were really pretty.

I'm glad you came in second.


I hope the press stops eating you up, we're human and they should understand that fact.



Sincerely,


Lady Cracker



Saturday, April 11, 2009

My Life Is A Fucking Dolly Parton Song: Part 2

Think About Love
I've always seen my mother as some weak and weary individual...a southern belle thrown into the chaotic world of being a wife and mother.
She always tried to love me like she should have loved me, with wide open arms, no inhibitions- but there was always a sort of vulnerable little hesitation about her that I never understood...and so, as it happened, my grandmother became more like my mother, and my mother became more like the annoying older sister that I could never get off my back. My mother was always fine with this arrangement, possibly thinking that living with me in the late afternoon hours and the early mornings before school was enough.
My bond with my grandmother was a iron one.
We couldn't have loved each other more.
She was my rock when I felt the world crowding me, my blessing at bedtime, and the arms I ran to when I needed someone to embrace.
She discovered she had cancer when I was sixteen...and three years later, she lost her battle.
My mother found herself in a thick situation.
See, my mother depended upon my grandmother as much as I did- if not, moreso. My mother's birth father left her, and her two siblings, when they were very young. My mother remained dependent upon my grandmother for emotional support. With my grandmother gone, and us both missing her, it's easy to assume it was a recipe for disaster. It was.
Big time.
My own father, who was always really verbally amusive towards me, was getting especially tough on me since my coming of age. Now that I was in college, he believed that I should have been out of the house, on my own, though I was only nineteen.
One night, my mother and father got into a huge fight...which, wasn't abnormal...
But this time my father, in a drunk rage, points his finger in my mother's face and says menacingly
"And I was still paying for your college tuition when you were married to that other guy."
This sort of startled me.
Other guy?
What other guy?
In a well-written letter the next day (so was my mother's style, she could never just TELL me anything), my mother explains she was married before... briefly... to an unnamed man... when she twenty...
She married my father when she was twenty-six.
Had me at twenty-seven.
I was struck.
I couldn't believe that I had been living this, without ever having really known her or her agenda, for the whole nineteen years of my existance.
I was really angry at first. Not only about that, but about so many things that had built up that had be at odds against her. So many things were running through my mind. So many things about my mother that I never understood and remained enraged about.
I tried to make sense of it, but couldn't.
So I stopped.
I just stopped questioning.
And I tried to understand...
I know how she is, probably better than anyone now.
She has this thing about her, where she's strong and incredibly weak at the same time.
She's strong enough to stand up to my father, but she's weak because she won't leave him.
She was strong enough to leave the man who hurt her first, but she's weak because she still keeps the pain he left her with.
I realized there was nothing I could do, but love her.
Nothing at all, but love her.
It's that simple, and yet, that hard.
I never approached the topic again with my mother. I'm sure she thought I'd be completely destroyed by it... but in theory it explains so much for me. It puts me a bit at ease about how she is the way she is.
There's no way she needs forgiveness from ME for leaving someone who hurt her. I applaud her for it, and in fact, have an entirely new respect for the way she handles things. Though there's still a lot I have left to understand, and unearth, about this woman...
I'm ready.
I just have to see her with open eyes,
and know that I do love her, as her daughter, and I always will.

Monday, March 16, 2009

To: Mr. Anonymous Sitting in the Last Chair on the Third Row to the Left

I was thinking of you a lot today…
And, seriously, why must you be so damn perfect?
Why do I have to look at you and question my morals?
There was that awkward moment last week…you probably don’t remember it, but I do… the prof was passing out the tests and I turned around to get my binder and you smiled at me. So I smiled back. And, as soon as it was there, it was gone.
That was a moment, and I took it in.
I saw the gold flecks in your brown eyes.
I found myself thinking about you all during class.
The sound of the prof’s mutterings on about Milton’s Paradise Lost didn’t seem relevant in the least to anything anymore… I didn’t care about Heaven, and I didn’t care about Hell anymore. You took up the majority of my mind, while a vision of a little house on the coast of Ireland took up the rest.
A little cottage, right there, on the coast.
And whose is it?
It’s ours.
Why am I thinking this?
Am I a complete idiot?!
But I see it so clearly!
I see it, right there, in front of my mind like a movie projected on a giant screen:
There’s the little cottage, nestled sweetly beside a cliff, white-washes with a little garden along the side. The cliff plummets right down to the ocean, the green grass sliding off the edge as if it is ready to spread wings and fly. There is a whistle in the wind, carried up from the foaming surf below, which rises up and down and slaps and splashes.
And I am standing on the cliff, looking out into the eternal vastness of the ocean. The sun is dipping slowly downward; the sky is pale colors, like dishwater from a paintbrush. I am wearing a white dress, with bare feet, a shawl wrapped about my shoulders. My hair is fluttering behind me like fine strands of gold.
You are there, watching me cautiously from the window of the cottage.
I turn back, I see you, and I smile.
But class is over…
And you’re backing up your books as hurriedly as you can, to get out of class before you expire of boredom.
No, no, wait!
Wait, I want to talk to you!
But it’s no use…
My mouth can’t motion the words.
So I just raise, gently, the last to leave the room…
I mutter a sweet word or two to the old prof who, for all of his efforts, couldn’t manage to entertain my mind, or pull it away from you.
I take my leave.
The ovation is gone.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Disney Channel & the “Tween Exploitation” Problem

Is it just me, or does every other female child star that comes out of Disney Channel turned into a rehab-center regular/promiscuous scalawag?















Saturday, February 28, 2009

Women, and “The Body” Issue

So you’re sitting down in a cafe with your friend… take it, she’s not the brightest bulb in the box, but you tend to love her nonetheless… she’s sort of glaring at a muffin she just picked up from the counter. You’re finishing off your piece of lemon pie without shame, and here she is still staring at this little old muffin.
A muffin, you observe, that doesn’t even have butter on it.
So you put down your fork and you kind of raise an eyebrow and ask if she’s going to eat the damn muffin, because it’s not a life or death situation.
She whines and tosses it down and says the dreaded phrase that no sensible woman wants to hear from a girl-friend:
“I’m so fat.”
All you can do is roll your eyes, and not respond to that comment.
You don’t want to hear it, not again.
It’s gotten to a point where she pulls this shit and says stuff like that so that I’ll look at her, appraise her with a fake smile, and tell her that she’s perfect in every way. That her body is so thin you can see her bones through her tank top.
You can look at her and clearly see that she isn’t fat… but in all honesty, she isn’t a waif.
Would that upset her, if you told her she wasn’t a waif? If she was healthy in appearance? If she was the perfect weight for her frame?
No.
No, no, no.
Women want to hear that they’re “Skinny”, and they want that word precisely.
What the hell is this whole misconception coming from?
In my eyes, personally, I think a woman’s beauty comes from more important factors than WEIGHT.
I’ve read more than a few books concerning body image. It wasn’t because I was looking to feel good about myself, because I do every day. I read these books so that I could understand from the P.O.V of other women, why is it so important to look a certain way? Why is it so crucial to fit into a mold of what consumer-driven assholes want you to look like?
I mean, sometimes I have to physically bring myself in front of a mirror and slap myself in the face and say out loud “hey, you’re beautiful. Just the way you are.” But that works for me!
I’m always brought back to the idea that I don’t look like your average girl.
I’m not skinny, and I like it.
I have skin, and I have muscle, and yes I have fat, but that’s healthy!
I’m comfortable with myself… and I think I’d enjoy female company better if most of them thought the same way.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

My Life Is A Fucking Dolly Parton Song: Part 1

My Own Personal Jolene
Women are insane.
I ought to know.

We will kill for love, among other things.

But what happens when you’re a gung-ho southern woman who can’t hold onto her man?
I found myself in the middle of a Dolly Parton song, about a year ago.
God, I hate to even reminisce about it, it was such a silly sort of juvenile position to put myself in… I mean, seriously, when a girl begins to date a guy she ought to prep herself for the worst, right? Yeah, well, I was “in love” and when you’re young and “in love” your vision of True and False becomes distorted.
It began towards the end I suppose. We’d be dating for an awfully long time, me and this fellow, and we acted as if we had been married for a good ten-fifteen years: dinner, sitcom, bed.
Yeah, it was as bad as it sounds. We had no common interests anymore, but out of curtesy we didn’t want to bring the issues to the forefront. No one wanted to be the bad guy in this sort of situation…yet…
Count on the idiot bozo to go and fuck it up even more, eh?
Well, I knew that my boyfriend at the time (we’ll call him “Athol”) had waning affections. Yes, his affections were waning quite quickly, and I found myself pulling back with force. I felt like I loved him, sure, and I didn’t want to lose him.
Well, Athol had other plans.
In fact, I discovered he didn’t even care about how I felt as all of this unfolded.
While we were still in a committed relationship, he was introduced to a little girl (and little is true, she was a good deal younger than him) that he began to regularly correspond with over the computer, phone, and the like.
I didn’t really like it, but there was nothing I could do about it without going psycho.
Then came the fateful day when he proposed that we “take an undisclosed break”.
Fine.
Athol and I parted ways, and made a “vow” to get back together in good time, once we had reasoned things out a bit for ourselves.
Hmph. Sure.
I’m a little antsy, because I know that they’re talking to each other. And this little girl looked like she could hold her own around a guy. I’m not saying I’m ugly, but out of my own general spite I began to refer to her as the “belle petite fille”.
I was bitter.
I wanted to know what was going on, because by his short telephone calls and inattentiveness to me in the days that followed, I knew he was becoming less interested in getting back together with me- and more interested in this little harlot who had just paraded onto the scene and busted my nice little domestic bubble.
Well, about a week later, I’m still optimistic about seeing Athol at a concert that we were supposed to go to. We were going separately, but meeting amongst a group of mutual friends.
The day rolls around, and I’m excited.
So I show up, and he’s not there yet, I’m hanging out with a group of friends.
And then, as if it was the most natural thing in the world… In swaggers Athol with the little girl on his arm… They’re clinging to each other as if it’s Armageddon and they’ve got .9 seconds to live…
My stomach grows sick, but out of courtesy, I decide to approach them both and be as unassuming as I can manage.
I start by greeting him with a hug, and then turning my attentions to the little auburn-headed, eyeliner-clad youngster at his side.
I say
“Hi, I’m Ash! I’m so ready for tonight, they have amazing bands playing.”
I proceed to list the bands, while she stands there looking at me with glazed eyes as if she’s bored out of her mind.
I’m finished talking, and I’m waiting for her to say something.
So that little hot mess looks at me, and rolls her eyes, and says in a staunch, haughty tone-
“Oh… well I don’t know any of the bands playing here.”
I smile as cheekily as I can manage through clenched teeth and reply
“Yes, well, they were popular before you were old enough to get in here.”
I turn, as my friends come up to me, in a desperate attempt to get me away from the scene. But before I do, I glance back, and reassure her with a last line:
“You should really take a look in the mirror after playing in your crayon box all day.”
I added a nice hair flip, for measure.
Then I went home and drank my weight in vodka.



Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene… I’m begging of you-
TAKE MY LEFTOVERS, YOU DESERVE THE CHEATING BASTARD!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

The Ultimate Intellectual Woman's Mancandy: James McAvoy


Name: James Andrew McAvoy

Nationality: Scottish

Birthday: April 21, 1979

Current Age: 29

How Many Years Older He Is Than I: 9

Does That Mean It Would Be Creepy If We Married: No

Qualities That Make Me Love With Him:

- Intelligence

- True Humor

- Wicked Cute Scottish Accent

- Insanely Beautiful Blue Eyes

Notable Roles:

- The Chronicles of Narnia

- Becoming Jane

- Atonement

- Rory O'Shea Was Here

- Penelope

- Wanted





Is it really, really evil of me if I hope his wife randomly falls in love with another man and leaves him desperately starved of love and in need of attentions?... Attentions from an ambitious American female, nine years his junior, full of life and looking for love?...